Day 29

Watched both YON and YON2 twice.



Sobrang nakarelate ako sa ibang scenes at super crush ko pa si Sucharat Manaying. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
Grabe sobrang crush ko talaga to

Day 28

Just got home from MOA. Nasa seaside kami and I thought about you a lot esp since there was this live band outside a restaurant. They were singing songs that I sang to you (in my sintonado and pangit voice) before ~ Do I Need A Reason, Passenger Seat, I Can Be Your Hero etc 

Honestly, I almost cried. There was so much love, pain and regret inside that I could hardly contain it. I actually shouted/yelled a few times just to ease the burden.

As I listened to them, I reminisced and thought about us ~ our past, present and future. I began to realize that you were right all along. We can't be together right now and that's because we'd both explode. We may have common ground, yes, but we each like a lot of different things. We can't forcibly change ourselves for someone and call it love. If it's love, we'd want to change ourselves to be better. The nagging must not come from the other person but from ourselves.

While we were drinking, Yuichi said something that made a lot of sense. He said that most of the time, those who are in their first few relationships would want to explore more and that those who have a lot exps in the world of relationships would opt to settle down. Most of the time lang naman. And I'd like to think that it applies to our story and that it really makes sense that way.

I don't know. My head's a bit heavy right now. 

Yes, I still love you and I still want you back in my life. But now, I think I kind of understand why you had to go and leave me. 

Yes, I still love you and I still want you back in my life. But maybe now isn't the right time.

Yes, I still love you and I still want you back in my life. When we're both ready.

Yes, I still love you and I still want you back in my life. Even if I'm pretty sure you won't want me back into your life again. 

I don't know. My head's a bit heavy right now.

Ang daldal ko.

Day 27

Sarap balikan. Yung in the moment na kilig kanina...naguumapaw hanggang ngayon. Kaya kahit kanina nabara ako na kausap daw niya si meh sa skype, ayus na lang din. Dapat ata makuntento na ko sa naging regalo niya kanina. 

Ang ganda pa din niya. Gusto ko na uli siyang maamoy pag bagong ligo. Okay, happy birthday to me.

Day 26

Ayos na sana. Unang beses namin uli lumabas bilang pamilya. Pero pagkauwi ko, sakto may nagbalita agad na may nakapost daw na lumantad na sila. Video lang pala. Kala ko kung ano. Dinownload ko. Iyak ako.

Bakit nung kami noon...walang ganun? Hindi ba ko worth it non? Hindi niya ko kayang ipagmayabang noon? Bakit kaya niya ipagyabang yung something sa kanila ngayon sa pagpopost ng video na to?

Tell me something
When the rain falls on my face
How do you quickly replace it with
A golden summer smile?

Tell me something
When I'm feelin' tired and afraid
How do you know just what to say
To make everything alright?

Chorus:
I don't think that you even realize
The joy you make me feel when I'm inside
Your universe
You hold me like I'm the one who's precious
I hate to break it to you but it's just
The other way around
You can thank your stars all you want but
I'll always be the lucky one

Hindi ko ba to kinayang gawin sa'yo noon? Hindi ba ganito ang naging epekto ko? Sakit. Birthday ko pa naman. Pero ano? Iyak na lang hanggang maubos.

Day 25

Gusto naman na pala niya eh. Ibig sabihin...tapos na. Nakamove on na siya. "Gusto" na niya makipagrelasyon sa iba eh. Ganun yun di ba? Ang bilis naman. Ang galing naman niya. Tanginang hapdi to. Tanginang bigat. BAKIT MAHAL KO PA DIN? BAKIT ANG SAKIT PA DIN?

Day 24

I would really appreciate a hug right now.

Day 23

I wish I could tell you how unfair you were - leaving me all of a sudden while you spent your nights with different people. But I won't anymore. Bakit pa, diba? Kahit naman sabihin ko yun sayo, wala din mangyayari. Hindi naman na ko naniniwalang mahal mo pa ko...kahit kakasabi mo lang nun. Hay. Kung mauulit man tayo, sana pareho na tayong handa na kumapit.

Sa ngayon...sa mga crushie ko muna ako magfofocus. Bahala ka na kung sino sino papatulan mo. Lapitin ka naman eh, di ba? Nakadami ka na nga eh <3 

Day 22

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget, I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

 I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there, A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

 Lol, what is diz. Kahit na sinabi niya sa akin na para sa akin daw ang kantang to, nawalan ako ng gana kililgin. Naalala lang kita bigla. Naalala ko lang lahat. Pero medyo mas magaan na dahil kay crushie, diversion talaga. Baka ganun din nangyari sa inyo ni meh? Diversion na MOMOL.

Day 21

Hahaha natawa ako na nalungkot. Nanood sila ng Rise of the Guardians ni meh. Kung kami pa, malamang sa alamang nanood din kami ng ganun. Ganun personality ko eh, ganun mga gusto ko panuorin. Sayang...hindi kami natuloy ni crushie magsine. Yun din sana papanuorin namin.

Hay hanggang kailan ko kaya kayang lokohin sarili ko na ayos lang ako? Sana maging sila na lang. Para panatag ako. Masakit. Pero panatag na may magaalaga sa kanya. Na hindi na niya kailangan pilitin sarili niya na tanggalin ako sa sistema niya kasi may bago na siyang paglalaanan ng oras. 

Nagaalala pa din talaga ako tuwing naiisip kong baka nainom uli siya at nauwi ng gabing gabi.

Day 20

Hey there. Yes, I still miss you. Especially since it's Friday and we usually meet up on Friday nights. Pero katulad nga ng sabi mo "Pinipilit ko na itulak ka palabas ng utak ko." so sa tingin ko hindi na lang muna kita immsg. Although gusto kong hindi ako maalis sa utak mo, ayaw ko naman ng nahihirapan ka. Tipong ayaw mo na ko isipin pero dahil ang kulit ko, hindi ka makagalaw/makausad. Parang baliktad nga eh, ako yung di makagalaw talaga. Pero...di bale na lang. Basta ayaw kita mahirapan. Mahal kita eh. 

Day 19

Hello there. It's your birthday today. I hope you have fun...real fun. This picture was taken two mornings before we woke up on the 27th. A lot of things have changed you know? I've been going back and forth in each "Moving On" square. Sometimes I feel like I've fixed myself while sometimes I feel like running back to your arms. Yes, I know. We're done now. And you're happy with someone else. Regardless of who she is, I don't want to nag you anymore.

I know, it's pretty pathetic how I think I can wait things out. But what else can I do? My heart's screaming at me right now saying "Go get her!" but then my brain registers several attempts (failed attempts) within these last two months.

I miss you, you know - your hair, your eyes, the way you smile or even the way you curl up next to me and even those nights when we'd just watch TV together. I miss your teeth, your hands and the way you move your feet on the mattress. I miss how we'd fight over what you're suppose to wear and how we'd curse anything that moves. I miss those nights when we'd meet up somewhere to eat and you'd faintly smile at the flower I had just bought for you. I even miss the chairs we used to sit in outside at your balcony. I miss your smell, your laugh and that thing you do when your nose is wet. I miss those bus rides home when we'd talk about how unsure we were about when we'd meet again. 

I especially remember our last bus ride together. And it hurts. To be there and to not be able to make you feel like you're the world to me. I guess no memory will ever top my "Things I Regret" List than that last bus ride. 

Yes, I know. This was suppose to be a birthday message. I don't know what to say anymore though. Maybe because the words "I love you" are too shaggy or common for you esp since it's coming from me. But really, I do. I love you.

So go, be happy. 

Day 18

Forgot to post it here. Naitanong ko pala sa kanya kung bakit si Meh pa. Akala ko ba hindi niya type yun dati. Ayun...ang sagot niya ay "Interested ako sa kanya eh"

Day 17

Ang dami nang nangyari since my last post. Pero somehow...I was like "Nakakatamad ilagay dito sa blog" parang hindi ko na kailangang ivent out masyado? Hindi na overflowing yung kalungkutan.

Probably dahil sinabi niyang mahal pa din niya ako.

Day 16

I will be going back to elbi tom. This is either a step to Square 3 or a step back to Square 1. Well, this is where we first met. I hope I can get through this. There isn't a restaurant/bar we haven't been to so I'm definitely drinking in an apartment.

Day 15

I've been thinking...should I stop talking to her altogether?

Maybe it was the right move to send her those lyrics para hindi na muna niya ko kausapin.

"You're a falling star
(...)
And you play it coy! But it's kinda cute!
Oh when you smile at me you know exactly what you do!"

---

Yuichi asked me if I'd do it all over again. I said yes. I'd still say yes tomorrow. Or even next week or next month.

Day 14.5

Sent her the lyrics of Michael Buble's Everything

Wrong move?

Day 14

J: Hey.
A: Yep?
J: Kamusta na?
A: Syempre cute pa rin. Bakit?


Well...I'm pretty sure I'm standing on Square 2.

Day 13

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm still waiting for her reply. And yes, I am overthinking again. What if binuksan lang ni Meh yung account niya? Remember my post where I said Meh sent me a message "Pst."? And I ignored her. Pano kung tinitignan lang niya kung nagoonline pa ako?

Fuck. Akala ko ba move on na?

Day 12

She sent me a message. Ang dami kong naiisip na pwedeng dahilan. Pero the funny thing is...I didn't cry immediately. Thumbs up!

Oh and I still don't know what to reply to "Hey."

Day 11

This Saturday better be good :)

Day 10

Nagmessage si Meh ng "Pst."

Should I overthink and assume that she's going to tell me na sila na for realz?

Escape: wag na lang magreply (ignore)

Day 9

Well, I got a better look at their picture earlier this morning. It kind of felt okay. I hope this continues!

Day 8

Akala ko naayos ko na sarili ko. Hindi pa pala. Tinanggal ko sila sa news feed ko pero binisita ko pa din kanina profile ni Meh. Ayun. Magkasama sila sa birthday niya. Napaluha na lang ako bigla. As in effortless. Bigla lang tumulo.

Masakit pa din.

Pero kakayanin ko ito. Kakayanin ko.

Wala na kong ibang choice eh.

Day 7

We spend too much time wondering why we're not good enough. But in the end, no matter how much we overthink it, we're still not good enough. We will never be good enough. In tagalog, sawa na kasi siya.

Day 5.5

Do you know how much effort it takes to ignore you?

Day 5

I should really decide on what to do: hold on or move on. The sooner I pick one out for realz, the faster I can adapt.

If you're interested in what I saw, nagpalit siya ng profile pic. She's still damn beautiful. And happy. And there's no US anymore. And I'm still a wreck. And I'm still helplessly in love.

STEP ONE in moving on: Taking her off the pedestal. 

Day 4

I just saw one of our pictures. It was one of the best pictures of us that I've ever seen. Suddenly all the well-kept memories of yesterday came crashing down on me again. And I can hear my heart slowly breaking up again.

WHY

Why am I being such a baby about this?

Sabi niya wag na daw ako umasa. BAKIT HINDI KO YUN MAGAWA? When the hell will "you'll get over her soon" happen?

Day 3

Hindi ako pinagchurch kasi may sakit pa din. Pinaiwan si tatay para bantayan ako. Umalis rin bigla kaya magisa lang ako. Sana gumaling na ako.

Masarap naman maging physically magisa. Pero yung maging magisa emotionally? Yun ang matindi.

Siya kasi parang sa tagal namin, natake for granted ko ata yung emotional rope namin. Parang...andyan siya. Palagi siya nandyan. Nasanay na ako. Alam ko paguwi ko nandyan siya. Pero ngayon na wala siya? Na ang tagal tagal na niya wala... Para akong pinapatay ng pagiging magisa ko. As in parang ang laki laki ng butas.

Hanggang ngayon wala pa ding saysay lahat. Sana magparamdam na uli siya. Hindi ako makatulog kagabi sa excitement dahil nakapagusap uli kami. Hehe.

Hinahanap rin kaya niya yung ganun?

Day 2.5

Magkausap kami ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba o mali na pinaguuspan namin yung adventures niya kasama yung ibang tao simula nung di kami. Mukha naman siyang masaya sa kwinekwento niya. Or baka dahil tinatakpan lang niya ng masayang intonation yung feelings niya.

Ibig sabihin ba nito naasa pa din ako?

Saklap ng pagibig. Kahit anong gawin mong pagpigil sa emosyon, wala ka pa din kawala sa kamao nito pag sinuntok ka. Walang silbi yung pamalit mo ng damit pag natamaan ka ng alon ng emosyon mo. Walang ha ni ho bigla ka kakainin.

Hanggang wala ka nanaman. Wala ka nanaman sa sarili mo. Iyak ka nanaman.

Day 2

Nag-online saglit. Sakto. Kung kailan ako nagbukas ng facebook, nagmessage pa siya. Oh joy, strength and love of my life.

Day 1

Unang gabi ko pa lang nag-internet uli. Takas pa din kasi may sakit pa din. Eto lang binuksan ko kasi baka kung ano nanaman mabasa ko sa facebook. Haaaaaaaay saglit pa lang nasinagan mata ko, sakit agad ng ulo ko. Good night na muna.