Tomorrow

I don't think I should be posting about it. But then again...it's my blog so I get to post anything that comes to mind. And in this moment, that's you. HIHIHI I'm just happy when I realized that it's already October. Sabi ko pa "shet di ako nakapagpost ng anniv ng breakup" yun pala bukas pa. It's really weird looking back haha we've both have really come a long way. It's nice though...I've effortlessly ignored you throughout these past months and yet here I am - slightly reminded of what we had before. Teehee goodnight. 

Home

Where does the time go? I don't know 
It's moving off the deep end 
Black on blue feeling slow-mo

Day to remember

Yuichi: Don't show her your weakness.
Me: I think I already did.
Yuichi: Then don't show her again.

And then I thought about last night/morning again; trying to recall as many details as I could. This time, I smiled. I don't think I was the only one who showed a weak side.

Ta-da, I quickly jumped from square 1 to square 500.

Day 50

No.

Day 49

YAY nabalik ko na lahat ng gamit niya! :)

Day 48

Why do you keep giving me ropes to hold on to (as an option) when I'm trying to cut myself loose from all these emotions? 

Day 47

NOT...charot

Day 46

What if I don't wake up tom?

Day 45

I feel wrong, I'm so human and flawed

I break down even though I'm still strong

And time, will make fools of us all

Builds us up, and then laughs when we fall.

You, pull me through 

When I'm alone in the dark and the fear was my truth 

Yeah, all the things that you are 

Beautifully broken, alive in my heart

Ayos na sana ang gabi. Hmmm ayos na lang rin...hindi ko naman alam na sobrang sensitive ka na ngayon. Or baka ayaw mo na lang talaga ako kausap? Pero salamat pa rin! Sleep tight! 

Day 44

Watch me suffer. 

Day 43

And hold me tight 

Don't let me breathe

My phone broke down probably because I threw it about a lot before. So I used my old orange Samsung phone...the phone I used when we started our relationship. At syempre, the remnants were still there - our first exchange of text messages, our texts during your grad(and coincidentally our first month together), our first trip together(Cagbalete), during some of your achievements in life (defense, getting job requirements in Alabang, first day in the job, regularization, finding new friends etc) and your texts during some of mine (org events, election, high exams, low exams,  topic approval, defense, my graduation, job). 

And then I missed you. As in from the center of my soul, I missed you terribly. I don't know how to get this fucking hole out of my system. The pain...is still fucking there. Please don't go about telling me that I haven't tried. Because I did. For more than four months, I've been trying to convince myself that you mean nothing to me already. Sabi ni Yuichi, "You know it takes more than that." BUT I DON'T. It usually takes me less than a month to move on. But why can't I do that with you?!

Yes, yes, YES, I know you're happy already. And you think we're probably better off this way. But can't you spare me a minute or two? I'm about to drown in my own sea of tears. 

Day 42

Eh bakit miss kita? Bakit yung pakiramdam eh parang kahapon ka lang nakipaghiwalay? 

Day 41

Grabe naman, pandesal lang hinihingi ko araw araw pero para akong binigyan ng bonggang cake ngayon. Siguro payback na rin dahil wala akong natatanggap na pandesal recently? Juks. Pero grabe...yung dalawa kong crushie! Tyumetyempo eh. Nagsabay pa silang humirit! Yung isa nung lunch tas yung isa kanina kanina lang. Hihihi ♥ Charowtz lungs. Hindi naman siguro bawal na maging masaya di ba? Ayus na ang temporary happiness kesa araw araw ako lugmok. 

Day 40

Alam ko pangit ako magdrawing...pero hindi yun ang point ng post ko. Alam kong interested ka sa mga ganitong discussions at namiss kita kasi wala akong mashare-an tungkol dito. Like... Pano pag drinawing ko sarili ko? Anong lalabas na personality? Kapag drinawing ko ba sarili ko ng nakadress, girly siya lalabas? Or pag drinawing ko sarili ko na nakamagicians outfit, marunong siya agad magperform ng magic tricks? Or magiging robotic chuva? Susundin lahat ng sabihin ko? Or clone ko? Pano pag pinatay niya ko? Eligible ba siya makulong? 

Hindi kita idradrawing. Feeling ko din hindi ako ang idradrawing mo. Wag tayo magjump into conclusions ha. Shinare ko lang talaga yung thoughts ko.

Day 39

http://tinyurl.com/6v2atvh 

Parang ikaw. Mukhang bato sa labas...malambing din naman pala.

Reminiscing.

Day 38

Did you know that I used to see you and me together when I look up at the stars at night? Well now, I don't see you and me up there. The weird thing is...even if I try, I can't see anything special other than the actual stars anymore. Is it suppose to make me feel bad to see what's actually real? 

Day day mayday

Yung pakiramdam na ikaw na lang yung naaabala sa nakaraan niyo? Sa kanya, wala na lang. Yung pakiramdam na nakausad na lahat pero ako parang natatawa pa din na kay meh siya napunta? 

what is the day today

So, we're talking forever

And you almost feel better

But, better's no excuse for tonight

You see, it's never bad enough

To just leave or give up

But, it's never good enough to feel right

Now I'm lying on the table

With everything you said

It will all catch up eventually

Well, it caught up and honestly

The weight of my decisions

Were impossible to hold

 I used to blame myself for everything that happened to us. Right now though, I realized you just really wanted to get out of the fucked up routine so you grabbed that chance that night. The funny thing is, no matter how hard I try, I can't even remember what we did for Valentine's Day last year. I'm beginning to wonder, what in the world did we do with our days together? I can only remember alcohol, cigarettes, movies,  breakfasts and dinners. I can only remember hot springs and books. I can only remember bus trips and taxi fares. Was that all that I was supposed to remember? 

Day whatnot 2

All I've wanted just sped right past meWhile I was rooted fast to the earthI could be stuck here for a thousand yearsWithout your arms to drag me out

Hold me close ‘cause I need you to guide me to safety

Day whatnot

and suddenly everything stopped and it felt like it was just about me haha great job

Day 37

Tinigilan ko lang habulin for some days yung crushie ko, eyto nanaman balik balik sa profile nila. Eyew ke ne ng genete. Alam ko namang maaapektuhan ako pero bakit pa ko nagpupunta? Haaaaay, kainis lang Ana ha. Kailangan ko na ata ng bagong crushie. Or uminom? Shocks, ang tagal na pala na walang genen. Ay joke, last last sabadew lang pele. 

Di bale papacute na lang ako at papapayat. Let's do this, diet. Camown.

Day 36

Nganga. After a short conver, nganga na lang. Ano bang meron sayo at di ako makausad ng tuluyan? Pathetic na ba to o normal lang? Hay, ang puso ko. Ang hina ko naman. :( Di bale, makakaya ko to.

Day 35

Been swimming a lot. I realized that I really like the feeling of being under the water. I think I'd swim more next week. I feel like I can die underwater if I don't gather up my courage. Hay, ang sarap. Pero medyo nakakalungkot rin na ganito. Ngayon lang ako natuto kung kailan di na tayo pwede magracing. Naalala ko lang bigla yung Cagbalete trip ulit. Wala, narealize ko lang naman to lahat. Di naman intentionally na sinasaktan sarili ko.

Day 34

Went to LosB. Drank to the point where I needed help to walk home. I woke up with a splitting headache. Still jogged past 10am. My tummy still wasn't up for breakfast. Was in a lying position up to 12:30pm. Ate spicy ramen and other weird spicy stuff for lunch. Yuichi got a new haircut. Went swimming. Had a few eye openers (hehe) on our way home. Went straight to church. Had a few hugs and hand massages. Ate dinner by myself.

That was definitely one of the best Saturdays ever. Nun lang ako nakapaglasing ng mej todo ulit after more than 2 years. 

Day 33

This song doesn't really say how I really feel about us because I don't want you to be lonely. Or maybe I'm just faking all this? Nah, I don't know about that. I honestly comfort myself with the thought that you're in really caring hands right now. I'm going back to LosB on Friday. My heart and mind's kind of divided as to whether I'd like to see you there or not.

But I'm sure as hell am really excited to drink and eat at Pearl's!

It's already Day 33. It has been a really wild ride for me. Missing you has a lot of ups and downs. 

Day 32

Lagpas 1PM na. Medyo nasanay na ko umalis pag sabado para magyosi. Hindi ako sanay na andito pa ko sa bahay. Gusto ko palaging lumabas. Gusto ko palaging lumayo. At bigla kitang namiss. Ikaw ang naging dahilan ko tumakas noon...ngayon yosi na lang.

Day 31

 They say I'm great at first but then the magic fades 
Into an awful hue of dismal views and pessimistic attitude 
All this distance years of sweet resistance
Swirling overhead like angry clouds of discontent

I have apologised a billion times
When I've gone off the wall like Busta Rhymes
And pulled a stupid stunt that left you thinking
there was something wrong with me 

You've thrown a few choice phrases at my way
And I've ignored them all as best I could
Except that tiny bit how I just can't commit
There is some truth in what you say

Hindi ko alam. Parang nakausad na ko na hindi pa? Parang tanggap ko na na hindi kami pero parang medyo malabo pa din lahat. Ano kaya mangyayari kapag nagkita na kami ulit? Medyo kakaiba rin yung feeling...tuwing naiisip ko na ganitong ganito ako sa kanta?

Day 30

I was checking movies out when I came across a few of the movies we watched before. And then I missed you again. Tomorrow, it'll be three months since that split. Maybe it's because we haven't talked in a while or maybe it's because I'm enjoying smoking at home right now...either way, even if I think about you everyday, I don't feel too much pain anymore. I still miss you though. You were really something.