Day 18

Forgot to post it here. Naitanong ko pala sa kanya kung bakit si Meh pa. Akala ko ba hindi niya type yun dati. Ayun...ang sagot niya ay "Interested ako sa kanya eh"

Day 17

Ang dami nang nangyari since my last post. Pero somehow...I was like "Nakakatamad ilagay dito sa blog" parang hindi ko na kailangang ivent out masyado? Hindi na overflowing yung kalungkutan.

Probably dahil sinabi niyang mahal pa din niya ako.

Day 16

I will be going back to elbi tom. This is either a step to Square 3 or a step back to Square 1. Well, this is where we first met. I hope I can get through this. There isn't a restaurant/bar we haven't been to so I'm definitely drinking in an apartment.

Day 15

I've been thinking...should I stop talking to her altogether?

Maybe it was the right move to send her those lyrics para hindi na muna niya ko kausapin.

"You're a falling star
(...)
And you play it coy! But it's kinda cute!
Oh when you smile at me you know exactly what you do!"

---

Yuichi asked me if I'd do it all over again. I said yes. I'd still say yes tomorrow. Or even next week or next month.

Day 14.5

Sent her the lyrics of Michael Buble's Everything

Wrong move?

Day 14

J: Hey.
A: Yep?
J: Kamusta na?
A: Syempre cute pa rin. Bakit?


Well...I'm pretty sure I'm standing on Square 2.

Day 13

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm still waiting for her reply. And yes, I am overthinking again. What if binuksan lang ni Meh yung account niya? Remember my post where I said Meh sent me a message "Pst."? And I ignored her. Pano kung tinitignan lang niya kung nagoonline pa ako?

Fuck. Akala ko ba move on na?

Day 12

She sent me a message. Ang dami kong naiisip na pwedeng dahilan. Pero the funny thing is...I didn't cry immediately. Thumbs up!

Oh and I still don't know what to reply to "Hey."

Day 11

This Saturday better be good :)

Day 10

Nagmessage si Meh ng "Pst."

Should I overthink and assume that she's going to tell me na sila na for realz?

Escape: wag na lang magreply (ignore)

Day 9

Well, I got a better look at their picture earlier this morning. It kind of felt okay. I hope this continues!

Day 8

Akala ko naayos ko na sarili ko. Hindi pa pala. Tinanggal ko sila sa news feed ko pero binisita ko pa din kanina profile ni Meh. Ayun. Magkasama sila sa birthday niya. Napaluha na lang ako bigla. As in effortless. Bigla lang tumulo.

Masakit pa din.

Pero kakayanin ko ito. Kakayanin ko.

Wala na kong ibang choice eh.

Day 7

We spend too much time wondering why we're not good enough. But in the end, no matter how much we overthink it, we're still not good enough. We will never be good enough. In tagalog, sawa na kasi siya.

Day 5.5

Do you know how much effort it takes to ignore you?

Day 5

I should really decide on what to do: hold on or move on. The sooner I pick one out for realz, the faster I can adapt.

If you're interested in what I saw, nagpalit siya ng profile pic. She's still damn beautiful. And happy. And there's no US anymore. And I'm still a wreck. And I'm still helplessly in love.

STEP ONE in moving on: Taking her off the pedestal. 

Day 4

I just saw one of our pictures. It was one of the best pictures of us that I've ever seen. Suddenly all the well-kept memories of yesterday came crashing down on me again. And I can hear my heart slowly breaking up again.

WHY

Why am I being such a baby about this?

Sabi niya wag na daw ako umasa. BAKIT HINDI KO YUN MAGAWA? When the hell will "you'll get over her soon" happen?

Day 3

Hindi ako pinagchurch kasi may sakit pa din. Pinaiwan si tatay para bantayan ako. Umalis rin bigla kaya magisa lang ako. Sana gumaling na ako.

Masarap naman maging physically magisa. Pero yung maging magisa emotionally? Yun ang matindi.

Siya kasi parang sa tagal namin, natake for granted ko ata yung emotional rope namin. Parang...andyan siya. Palagi siya nandyan. Nasanay na ako. Alam ko paguwi ko nandyan siya. Pero ngayon na wala siya? Na ang tagal tagal na niya wala... Para akong pinapatay ng pagiging magisa ko. As in parang ang laki laki ng butas.

Hanggang ngayon wala pa ding saysay lahat. Sana magparamdam na uli siya. Hindi ako makatulog kagabi sa excitement dahil nakapagusap uli kami. Hehe.

Hinahanap rin kaya niya yung ganun?

Day 2.5

Magkausap kami ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba o mali na pinaguuspan namin yung adventures niya kasama yung ibang tao simula nung di kami. Mukha naman siyang masaya sa kwinekwento niya. Or baka dahil tinatakpan lang niya ng masayang intonation yung feelings niya.

Ibig sabihin ba nito naasa pa din ako?

Saklap ng pagibig. Kahit anong gawin mong pagpigil sa emosyon, wala ka pa din kawala sa kamao nito pag sinuntok ka. Walang silbi yung pamalit mo ng damit pag natamaan ka ng alon ng emosyon mo. Walang ha ni ho bigla ka kakainin.

Hanggang wala ka nanaman. Wala ka nanaman sa sarili mo. Iyak ka nanaman.

Day 2

Nag-online saglit. Sakto. Kung kailan ako nagbukas ng facebook, nagmessage pa siya. Oh joy, strength and love of my life.

Day 1

Unang gabi ko pa lang nag-internet uli. Takas pa din kasi may sakit pa din. Eto lang binuksan ko kasi baka kung ano nanaman mabasa ko sa facebook. Haaaaaaaay saglit pa lang nasinagan mata ko, sakit agad ng ulo ko. Good night na muna.